Narcissistic Personality - Why people ask the question

Why people ask the question

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For one thing, I suppose they are not all really mates of malignant narcissists.

Some could be lying or imagining things. People are more likely to wrongly claim that a spouse is a malignant narcissist than that a parent is one. Doing the latter goes against nature and is the last thing anyone wants to believe about a parent. Also, it is hard to imagine circumstances in which there would be much, if anything, to gain by falsely accusing a parent. But there are untoward motives for wrongly claiming that a spouse or lover is a malignant narcissist.

Also, many perfectly normal people behave narcissistically at times (especially in retaliation for Narcissistic Injury) and even have some narcissistic character traits.

For example: Though a malignant narcissist will certainly do this, not every man who buries his nose in the newspaper to deny his wife attention is a malignant narcissist. If he is not, the problem in this relationship is a problem in a normal human relationship. If he is a malignant narcissist, there is no human relationship. She just thinks there is.

And it's not hard to tell the difference. Here are three ways to do so:

Remember that NPD is a pervasive pattern of thinking and behavior. If this guy is a malignant narcissist, he does the same thing a thousand ways — in every conceivable way at every opportunity. If his wife is likely to call him on this insult, he delivers it subtly, both to preserve deniability and to put a more formidable wall between them than the newspaper. Why? Because it would kill him if she got one bit of attention from him by telling him to put down that paper and answer her. To guard against that, a real malignant narcissist doesn't enter the room until the food is served, and he leaves it the moment he is finished eating.

Remember also that malignant narcissists are perverse. So, if this guy is normal and she complains that he makes her feel bad, he will soften. But if he is a malignant narcissist, he will go the other way: he will go for the jugular by being cruel and then heap insult on injury by making her out to be hurting him.

Lastly, remember that malignant narcissists view all as but objects and therefore do not have a human relationship with anyone, even their own children. So, if this guy is a malignant narcissist, he is an emotional vampire even to his children. Normal people cannot conceive of hurting the self-esteem of their own children.

Indeed, that guy with his nose in the newspaper may be thus reacting to a malignantly narcissistic wife. One who demands 100% of his attention 100% of the time. She is a jabberbox to keep him from getting in a word edgewise so that she need never pay one bit of attention back to him.

And so, you can't tell from a post on a message board whether it is from the mate of a malignant narcissist or from a malignant narcissist projecting and whining about being denied the total attention he demands.

It is no wonder that the mate of a normal person with narcissistic traits asks, "Must I leave him?" For, the answer is obviously "No." Yet all she hears is "Yes!" from people who know what makes narcissists tick. It is also no wonder that a narcissist fantasizing that she is being denied the ego gratification she deserves asks, "Must I leave him?" For she can't. She is a parasite, and he is her host.

But there's no reason to think that all who ask this question are either exaggerating or are narcissists themselves. In fact, unless their accounts are fiction, some apparently are being abused by narcissistic mates.

Yet, please pardon me for being brutally honest: the question seems stupid to those who know what makes narcissists tick.

So, why do intelligent, informed people ask it?

© 2004 – 2008, Kathleen Krajco — all rights reserved worldwide.
The URL of this page is: http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/whypeopleaskthequestion.htm.
It was last updated on 3/4/2008.
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