Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist's Style

The Narcissist's Style

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Every narcissist thinks he or she is unique. But it would be true to say that (a) they are all alike and (b) they are all different.

At bottom they are all alike. They all have the same goal. And they all achieve it by playing for the right reaction from their environment. But since they each inhabit a different environment, they each have their own personal playing style. One adapted to best exploit their environment.

So, beware of stereotypes based on outward appearances.

For example, most consider grandiosity the chief character trait of a narcissistic personality. All malignant narcissists are grandiose. They are vain, conceited, boastful, and haughty. Their haughtiness shows a block away in their imperious mien and posture. They are breathtakingly arrogant, presumptuous, and full of hubris. Yet I didn't list this as a red flag of NPD, because it often isn't evident to the casual observer.

In fact, I have known narcissists who would strike you as anything but grandiose, vain, and haughty. They kept their immodesty well hidden beneath a cloak of false modesty. As Joanna Ashmun writes:

Some narcissists are flamboyantly boastful and self-aggrandizing, but many are inconspicuous in public, saving their conceit and autocratic opinions for their nearest and dearest.

So, for example, grandiosity and haughtiness may show in the narcissistic college professor among his colleagues at the grand opening of a museum, but it will be hidden in the farmer among his neighbors at the local gas pump.

Similarly, haughtily flouncing down the street in New York City, or much better yet, Paris, is oo-la-la fashionable. But don't try that in Chicago: you'll get attention all right; you'll be a crowd stopper all right; you'll become public laughing stock on the spot.

In short, narcissists adapt to their environment, their milieu.

In certain milieu, such as a ladder or a pedestal of any sort, the shameless self-promotion of grandiosity is an asset, or at least certain aspects of it are. It creates the illusion of superiority and gets attention. When we see it in a public figure, we view it as different, interesting, not as silly and a pain in the neck.

In most milieu though, overt grandiosity would be viewed as a character flaw and reflect badly on the narcissist, so he or she camouflages and hides it beneath a veneer of false modesty.

A narcissist's overt grandiosity then is part of the Mr. Hyde act and comes out only behind closed doors.

You can still detect it though if you're observant, because covert and subtle grandiosity is there all the time. It shows in the inappropriate way narcissists relate to others, always from above as their judge. It shows in narcissists' presumptuous expectations, however subtly expressed and sugared over with feigned humility. It shows in narcissists' bragging, however subtle and left-handed.

So, narcissists aren't all snobby debutantes or Hollywood types, flashy dressers who act out. Narcissists adapt to their environment, and a Hollywood-type narcissist would be viewed as a silly weirdo in other environments. Some, both men and women, are fancy dressers and spend a great deal of time and money on their appearance. But others are not. Some portray themselves as a regular guy, a man's man, a common man, a simple dresser without the slightest trace of vanity, a man of few words, a regular Clint Eastwood.

Some are loud-mouthed show-offs or jabberboxes. Some are clergy, preachers, or portray themselves as devoutly religious and upright, self-sacrificing, overflowing with the milk of human kindness. Some are dictators. Some are successful CEO's and politicians, universally admired.

They all have the same goal, but each tailors their strategy to their particular battlefield. So, every snobby debutant you run into isn't a narcissist. And the guy who out Pope-John-Pauls Pope John Paul II as the picture of humility in church may be one. Beneath a cloak of false modesty he may be screaming for, and getting, tons of attention.

A narcissist identifies with his image. So, he is all image — for looks only. And he adapts his appearance to his environment as perfectly as a chameleon does. In some ways to stand out (for attention) and some ways to blend in (for approval).

The universal complaint of those who see a narcissist with his mask off is that he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But he can have more than two faces. He is a different person at work than at home, a different person in church than in a tavern, a different person during the courtship than after the honeymoon is over.

Multiple personalities? I don't know. I have only seldom observed a narcissist in a setting other than the one in which I was commonly part of his or her environment there. But when I have, I have been stunned by the person I saw. A completely different person than the one I knew.

So, it seems that if a narcissist haunts a number of very different environments, Mr. Hyde might not be just Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: he may be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Green Jeans and Santa Claus and Juan Quixote and Mr. Hyde.

Seeing this is hardly believing it though, because you wonder how a narcissist could get so good at acting out so many characters to a "T" and switching from one to another instantaneously. But remember that narcissists are obsessed with this false-image-projecting game, that they actively practice every waking moment, and that they have been doing so nonstop since childhood. They are bound to become far better actors than any normal person could dream of being.

I have no idea whether these multiple characters constitute distinct personalities, but they sure are different personas.

The face a narcissist has on at any moment depends on whether the coast is clear and on whether the other party is someone he fears or someone defenseless who can't just get and stay away from him. The transfiguration can be instantaneous.

Just as a woman puts make-up on thickest over a zit, people put their act on thick to cover the blemishes in their character. The image narcissists paint of themselves is the very antithesis of the truth.

Every narcissist's style is tailored to his rank, the situation, and the setting. For example, he may be a man who barges into his haunts talking loudly to butt in on the conversation and make himself the center of attention.

Another may accomplish the same thing by putting on a certain terribilitas that accompanies him like an aura and upsets people's poise in his presence. A hush seems to surround him like a nimbus wherever he goes. It's as though people see him coming and think, "Here comes the judge." His entrances, then, fall upon those present like the grand entrances of the former tennis great, Bill Tilden. Here is a description of them by another tennis great, George Lott:

Immediately there was a feeling of awe, as though you were in the presence of royalty. The atmosphere became charged and there was almost a sensation of lightness when he left. You felt completely dominated and you heaved a sigh of relief for not having ventured an opinion of any sort.

Whether brilliant or stupid, narcissists are keen observers of human behavior and group dynamics. They notice that people divine what will win acceptance and readily supply it. So, astute narcissists exploit this behavior by being changeable, unpredictable, and arbitrary to keep everybody around them off-balance and unsure of themselves. In Tilden's presence, even other famous people felt insecure, fearing to commit some faux pas by saying the wrong thing. Which was liable to be anything they said about anything.

Nonetheless, no matter what their style, all narcissists behave peculiarly. That's because they have a peculiar need — the need for all available attention. Whatever attention they can't draw or hijack they block. And they avoid paying any.

Home is the last place people fuss over a narcissist's arrival. So there, if he can't get enough positive attention, he commands negative attention by annoying, shooting off his mouth, or picking fights.

© 2004 � 2008, Kathleen Krajco � all rights reserved worldwide.
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It was last updated on 3/7/2008.
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