But what the heck kind of question is that? Must I leave him? What business is it of ours? Must I give you good advice when I won't experience the fruit of it? Hmm. Then I can experiment on you with my advice. If it causes a catastrophe, what's that to me?
I mean that anyone who has no stake in a matter should have no say in it. People who are not in the same boat with you always have ulterior motives for what they say you should do.
How can I say that for sure? Because someone without an ulterior motive would respect the fact that your marriage is none of their business. Therefore, the type of person you can trust to guide you is also the type of person who won't want to. Only if this person is close, will he even be willing to talk with you about it. If he is close, he may help you think the matter through so you can identify your options and determine whether your mate really is seriously mentally ill. But he will be loathe to tell you what to do. Only fear for your physical safety would compel him to urge you to leave your spouse.
In contrast, those who jump at the chance to tell you what to do are often people just trying to sound like nice people. So, these sounders sound like the milk of human kindness flows by the quart in their every vein. But notice that there's not one drop of common sense in it. They're serving themselves, not you. You can tell because they are always politically correct and do much more talking than listening. They are just posing in a mirror. So, their advice is as worthless as hot air.
Your situation is unique. Most people cannot comprehend, let alone appreciate, your predicament or the consequences of either staying with, or leaving, your "N." So, they cannot weigh all the criteria that must be weighed in your decision.
For one thing, if your spouse is a malignant narcissist, it may be dangerous to abandon him. Women have been murdered for doing that. The longer you have been together (= the less able he is to find a replacement), the greater the risk. That risk must be carefully assessed and steps to protect yourself carefully planned. You need tips from people who know what they're talking about, not moralizing opinions.
Also, it's easy for me to say that you should get your children out of that home. But it's not so easy for you if that would doom them to life in poverty.
On the other hand, the abuse is usually the kind that leaves no physical bruises. When described, it loses much in the translation. Only people who have experienced it sense how black it is and appreciate its devastating impact. Typically, others don't appreciate it at all and think you should just put up with these mere "annoyances" for the rest of your life.
Moreover, some things sound fine until they happen to you. Then suddenly the veil falls from your eyes and you see what's wrong with them. For example, men often see nothing offensive in the way they treat women — until they are treated that way. Again for example, people see nothing wrong in one man dying for everybody else's sins — until they are punished for someone else's sin. Yet again for example, people think a man praises God when he crawls out from under the rubble of his house after a tornado and thanks God for sparing him — until someone they love dies in the rubble of the house next door.
So, most people have no idea what you are going through and therefore are in no position to offer advice.
Moreover, there are a host of practical considerations.
Other people cannot appreciate your isolation and all its ramifications. If you leave the narcissist and people find out what happened in that home, they will not think well of you for allowing it so long. Are you prepared for that? Why did you let him come between you and your family? (Gulp.) Are you prepared to eat crow? What are you going to say to your parents and siblings about it now?
More important, being all about his image, a narcissist's top priority is to "come out smelling like a rose." Narcissists have been through upheavals before and know just how to do that. Plus, they have practiced character assassination since childhood. They often fool a woman's own family into believing that she is the demon in the affair. In fact, victims usually complain that their relationships with everyone are destroyed so that they lose their family, extended family, and circle of friends. This is usually a consequence of a break with a narcissistic sibling, but, as far as possible, it happens in a break with a narcissistic mate as well.
And it can cost you custody of your children. Your career. It can make you unemployable, largely because one of the lies he spreads about you is a lie every narcissist spreads about his or her victims. You can guess it by remembering that a narcissist is a Projection Machine. Yup, you guessed it: that you are the crazy one, not him.
My advice is to first find out for sure whether your mate really is seriously mentally ill or is just behaving narcissistically in certain circumstances. If he does not suffer from NPD, the relationship might be salvageable. If he does, there is no relationship salvage. What you took for a relationship is just a shtick for him to club you with. In other words, you are married to someone who isn't married to you.
Even before you decide what to do, collect evidence in case you need it someday.
Most important, give appropriate weight to the psychological welfare of your children. The saddest thing in the world is how this disease passes from generation to generation in families, spreading pain and suffering greater than which there cannot be.
Home
Contents
